Awesome

Mom and I saw the neatest thing today while we were out in the car. It looked like a rainbow made up of clouds, or a rainbow cloud. I've seen spectrums in a patch of sky or around the sun, but this is the first time I've seen clouds like this. We stopped after a moment and I took a few pictures, but the colors are quite pale and the pictures don't do justice to the actual phenomenon, which from what I could find out later is quite uncommon. Very specific conditions have to be met for this to occur, and they were met today. I posted the pictures on my Facebook profile. Mom and I both were in awe of what we considered a display of God's majesty, beauty, and creativity. Enjoy! (Click on the title of this blog, and you'll be taken to a page that explains "circumhorizon arcs" and shows a spectacular picture of one. That's what it looked like for Mom and me.)

Geese and Grace

One of the things I missed most while I was in France was Canadian geese. I've got scores of pictures of my sister and I feeding bread to flocks of geese, and on every trip back home, one thing I made sure to do was go look for geese to feed. Last summer, though, the only geese I could find were at a pond across from the church, and they apparently were not used to people giving out free food, for with every step I took toward them, they took 2 waddles back. So I guess you could say I'm having withdrawal symptoms from not being able to feed my beloved honking birds.

I was in France over 4 years before I discovered that there are Canadian geese there. Of all places, they were on the Seine in a town I'd actually lived in. Then on a trip to London I discovered their smaller cousins; they look just like our geese but are about half the size. I was in goose heaven. However, they weren't always on the river banks, and I wasn't able to go there often, so my goose sightings dwindled to "rien" (nothing).

So one thing I really looked forward to upon moving back to the States was seeing and especially hearing Canadian geese again. Imagine my joy to discover that every morning 2 honkers fly over the house, making sure everyone knows they're coming, on their way to a small pond a couple doors down. I haven't tried to feed these geese because the pond is on private property that was just sold in an auction. So I content myself with just admiring from a distance.

This evening I got a goose glimpse at, all places, church. I'd gone to a new Bible study. The room we met in was near the front of the church and facing the parking lot. At one point I looked out the narrow window and was pleasantly surprised to see a goose. He was clearly agitated, shaking his head every which way and honking loud enough for us to hear from inside. After the study I even got to take pictures of him and his mate as they waddled across the lawn. As I approached, they went the other way, with Mr. Goose showing me his displeasure with some more head shaking and honking.

So what does this have to do with grace? In tonight's study, which is based on weight loss, one of the verses we looked at was Acts 20:24: "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." When I was in France, especially the first few years, I had many lonely times. I feel God stripped away everything and everyone I depended on so I would totally lean on Him. It was during this time that I began to read and really study the Bible. I couldn't get enough. I've since learned that my "gift of the Spirit" is teaching, and I have been showered with so much grace and have been so awed by that concept that I believe that God has given me the ministry of teaching about grace (I consider myself still in training!). So I love coming across verses like Acts 20:24, and I relate to Paul. I feel that telling you about these geese is "testifying to the gospel of God's grace" in a way. For one definition of grace to me is giving me something unexpected, something I don't deserve but get anyway. When I see a goose, I'm awed by God's creation, feeling undeserving of witnessing such beauty but so glad I've been given the gift.

So yes, geese and grace *can* go together!

Bless My Heart

It was another beautiful day here. It's still 82 and sunny! Eat your heart out, Floridians!

I tried a new Sunday school at church today. I chose a women's one led by a lady I respect and admire. It turns out they are on Week 5 of a 6-session Beth Moore study called "Stepping Up" on Psalms 120-134. I love Beth Moore's studies, but I hadn't even realized she had this one. I was able to contribute even though I did not have a book and had not been studying the lessons. I am not sure if I will visit other classes before choosing one or while this one finishes that study or keep going to this one. The worship service was very meaningful. It is so awesome to me to sing some of the same songs I sang at my church in France. One of the two that touched me most today were "Everlasting God (Strength Will Rise)": "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. We will wait upon the Lord. We will wait upon the Lord (x2). Our God, You reign forever. Our hope, our strong Deliverer. You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God. You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You raise us up on wings like eagles." The other one was "My Savior Lives," with the lyrics: "Our God will reign forever, and everyone will know His name. Everyone together, sing the song of the Redeemer. I know that my Redeemer lives, and now I stand on what He did. My Savior, my Savior lives. Every day a brand-new chance to say, 'Jesus, You are the only Way.' My Savior, my Savior lives. The King has come from heaven, and darkness trembles at His name. Victory forever is the song of the Redeemer. (Chorus) These lyrics pierced my heart, and I just wanted to do as we sang later in "Take My Life and Let it Be" offer up my heart to my God. I am learning to let go and just sway with the music, raising my hands and my heart, offering myself in worship. Today before leaving I made sure to take time and prepare my heart for meeting God with my brothers and sisters, and I could literally feel the difference.

The sermon was the first of a series from 1 Peter, today covering verse 1. What touched me most was the discussion on how these believers to whom Peter was writing were "scattered" and "strangers on the earth." They were foreigners. D, the pastor, described how they had been uprooted and had learned to bloom where they were planted. I really related to that, having lived as a foreigner and never quite feeling like I fit in. I truly believe, as D said, that God planted me back here and has a purpose for it. He is taking the old, dead, ugly seeds I gave Him and is growing them into something beautiful that demonstrates His glory and goodness. That helps make all I'm going through worthwhile. I know beauty will come from these ashes.

Another way God helped heal my heart today is by teaching me to literally go splash in the creek. My friend A and I went to the park, where we had a bag lunch then went down to the creek and waded. She skipped stones; I tried to. I actually was able to do it with the really flat stones a couple times! We had a blast watching this family's black Lab chasing a stick into the water over and over and over. (I posted pictures on Facebook.) We then went to a local creamery and had some homemade ice cream. It was a gorgeous day spent with a dear friend. God has richly blessed me.

How has God blessed you today?

Road Trip Down Memory Lane

I had an exhausting but fun day today. I took a trip down Memory Lane: I went to the town where I went to college, about 40 miles from here. It was a gorgeous day for it, too, in the low 80s and sunny. I started out with lunch at Applebee's, connecting with a high school classmate in the process. She'd lived in Germany for 3 years, so we shared about our European experiences. It's weird; lately I've not had much of an appetite. I ate only half my meal. But that's fine! Since I've been back, I've lost 4 pounds! Then I hit the road, arriving in A. in under an hour. The town has built up some, but for all that has changed, much has remained the same. The friend I went up to see wasn't home yet, so I walked around the tiny campus a little. It was so beautiful there with the redbuds, magnolias, and flowering pears. I even got a picture of one of the nearly tame squirrels that fritter around the grounds. I remember they would even sometimes eat out of my hand! I sat on a bench and promptly got bitten by a big black ant that found its way into my sandal.

I went back to my friend L's place and waited while he cleaned up. He'd worked last night and then had had rehearsal for a band he plays guitar in, and it had run later than he anticipated. We then headed over to the campus hang-out for eating. I had a banana and a SoBe drink. All during my stay there, I kept asking myself where all the students were. I'd forgotten how small a campus it is. It was great to see it and of course to see L. We caught up for a while, then we headed to another building and talked with my French professor for a bit. I saw her twice while I lived in France, and she's going back there at the end of May. Who knows, I might even be able to see her there if the divorce hearing somehow gets scheduled in June. It was great to see her. She's grown her hair out as well! I was feeling like I needed to eat something, so L and I went to Perkins, an old college hangout. We had pie, which he paid for. After talking things over with him, I feel a lot better about some situations in my life. I dropped him off at his apartment and headed back home.

My brother R and his wife C had a "sky trip" today as they returned from their 2nd trip to the Mayo Clinic. She's been diagnosed with sarcoidosis, an inflammatory condition. If she does not respond to treatment for that, they will continue working her up for lymphoma. On top of this, she has a gastrointestinal disease called C. difficile. Ironically, "difficile" means "difficult" in French, and that is exactly what her last 4 months have been. Please pray that their faith in God and each other remains strong during this trial.

Whatever you are facing today, may Isaiah 41:10 be a blessing to you as it has to me lately: "Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Quote

Just a brief one today. I found this in a daily quote I get from an association I belong to, and I found it very applicable and helpful to me right now.

"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and
disappointments, but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in
their proper figures."
– Joseph Addison

Close Calls

I am *exhausted*! I think I've been awake since 5:00 or so, but I got up around 6:15. And I've been at it all day. Today was the first day I worked, and I certainly earned my wages! I had some trouble with "problems communicating with the server" messages, which slowed me up on some tasks, but the program worked. I had a couple familiar doctors, then I got a new doctor and a new speciality, a Russian (?) hematologist/oncologist whose reports are 10-17 minutes long! She wasn't too hard to understand, but I wasn't used to her or her specialty, so I did have to send all those to someone to be checked. And it looks like I am the only one working on those, because the same dictations are still sitting there and they are from the 20th! But I'm proud of what I was able to get done. I may even be brave and do more tonight, but I am so tired and probably should call it a night.

I had calls to 2 close friends today, my American friend B in France and my Irish friend C in Ireland (met her in France). It was so good to talk to them, and they helped me sort some things out in my head.

I had another close call. Mom and I just got back from having dinner at Arni's with M and G. When I looked out onto the deck off the sunroom, I wondered, "Why is the cat meowing at me from the *other* side of the door?!?" It took me a minute to realize she'd gotten out a couple hours ago when I had the patio door open, only I'd thought the screen part was closed. No it weren't! Fortunately, the cat came back; she couldn't stay away and was sitting on the porch the very same day. Whew! This is one reason why I'm a dog person!

It was a gorgeous day today, getting up to 68. The next few days are supposed to be really beautiful. Good! My spirits are so much better when the sun is out, and it'll be a nice change to have upper 70s instead of upper 40s!

OK, time to veg! :)

God's Will

As a Christian, I hear and think a lot about "God's will," what does God want for me? What do you think of when you hear that? If you're like many people, you may think it means what does God want you to do in specific situations or what choice God wants you to take. Nothing seems wrong with that and on many levels there is truth to these statements. But I invite you to come along on a journey with me to see if we need to reevaluate our thinking on what God's will is.

Lately, with all that has been going on in my life, you betcha this has been a big question in my mind. So a couple days ago when I found a CD entitled: Way of Wisdom: God's Will for Me, I did an inner jig and thought, "Great! Now I'll learn how to figure out what God wants me to do as far as B is concerned!" After an initial listen, I did learn, but the lesson was not what I expected. The teaching is by Dr. James McDonald of Walk in the Word ministries. This particular lesson is #2 of 4. I've listened to his CDs before, a series where he used the story of Esther to teach about who God is. I really enjoy his style and had learned so many things about who God wants to be to me, so I was doubly excited to listen to this current CD.

I'm going to listen again later, but basically Dr. McDonald challenges the traditional view that God has an individual will for each of us. This is the one that says there is one right option for our situations and if we don't choose it, we are out of God's will. Instead, he says, God has a sovereign will (the order of things like the universe, which we can't change) and a moral will or His Word. Rather than directing us to a one-and-only option for specific situations, He is wanting us to be a certain kind of person. His will is that we come to a deeper, closer personal intimacy with Him.

In discussing God's moral will, James uses 1 John 2:3, where it says that we know we love Him if we keep His commandments. Think about this: If you love someone, you'll obey them. Take parents, for example. And you're not going to love just any old person. You love someone you know, someone you trust. Only *then* will you not only be willing to do what they say, you'll be happy to. Ultimately, this really works only with God, for only His ways and judgment and insight are perfect, so we can trust Him completely. James says, "It's like, 'I'm God, you're not. Trust me, I made you. Do this." When you love and trust someone and they really love you, you *want* to serve them because you know that they will not ask you to do something that is harmful to you. So, as Dr. McDonald says, "once you figure out who He is, you'll be okay with" Him telling you what you are to do.

As I touched on above, some people think that this means there is only one right choice for all that concerns us, and if we don't make that ONE correct choice, we are out of God's will. Dr. McDonald calls this being "off the dot." Now, when it comes to "Should I take this job where I'll be asked to cheat people and lie?", that's covered under God's moral will in the Word. James says, "We want to believe that God's plans for us are about what kind of house we're gonna own and what kind of car we're gonna drive. Those are OUR plans, okay, and we gotta stop trying to get God on OUR program. God's dreams for your future are not that He would somehow get on your program. God's dreams for your future are that you would get on HIS program." He goes on to say that God's dreams do not include all the minutae like where you should go on vacation or what job you should do but that they "are about an amazing intimacy with you that you have not yet experienced maybe, and God is calling us deeper and deeper, deeper into the fullness of life in Him." He says God wants us to get to a point where those specifics become nothing to us and our life is all about getting to know and love God more and more. He wants us to seek Him with all our heart and find him (Jer. 29:12). THAT is His will.

What incredible freedom God gives us! He gives us so much liberty to choose what we want. You've got 2 equally viable options for a job? Take the one you want! You like Toyotas and the color blue? Get a blue Toyota and don't worry that God will remove His blessings from you because you were *supposed* to get a RED Toyota! Of course God wants us to choose what is in line with His Word, but He says nothing specific about which city is better for you or what school your child should go to. The point is that God can use you whatever choice you make. He is more concerned about what kind of person you are: how intimate you are with Him and how you treat other people. "He is going to get His stuff done regardless of where you decide to go." He can handle it! Be assured, too, that He does indeed care about your decisions. He just is not going to direct your every single choice; He gives you great freedom to move within His moral will. So enjoy it!

So, how does this apply to what I've been going through lately? For the past week, I've been praying, "God, make it Your will that B and I are together." Even when we reconnected, I convinced myself that it was God's will, that He brought us back together. But now I am seeing that, whether or not he and I *do* end up together, all along God's concern has been that I be a certain kind of person no matter who I am with. I've also seen that I have not been the kind of person God wants me to be and have ignored my relationship with Him. Lately I have been praying for God to make both of us the kind of people we ought to be, but I prayed that in a selfish way, thinking it would then bring us together. I am going to continue to pray that God helps us both be people who are on fire for Him, growing closer and closer to Him, and people who treat others in ways that honor Him. Sure, I want B and I to be together, but now my focus will be that I'm God's woman regardless of whether or not I am B's choice.

Is this easy? No way! But I do know this: If we are listening to God and becoming more and more like Jesus, then whether or not we end up together, B and I will be in God's will. I draw great comfort and peace from that.

Day by Day

Day by day, I'm feeling a bit better. I still have many moments and there is certainly no shortage of stressors, but I'm getting there. And the 80-degree weather we're supposed to have over the next several days should help a LOT! :)

I don't know about you, but when I am stressed, something that may be frustrating but normally wouldn't be a big deal becomes the end of the world for me. These past 2 nights have been like that. Last night I tried to install an HP printer/copier/scanner to no avail. I even chatted with an online techie (named, of all things, Mohawk) and followed his long, not-so-clear steps and rebooted I don't know how many times, but I could not get the software to install the program and get the device to communicate with my laptop. Then I realized the keyboard and mouse I got were optical and not wireless; their long cords plugged into my only 2 working USB ports and I need 3 if I use the printer, 4 if I get a foot pedal for my work. (One burned out. Yeah, add getting that fixed to my to-do-sometime-this-century list.) I ended up taking all that stuff back to Wal-Mart today and going to Best Buy. I decided to wait on a printer/scanner until I am settled somewhere and get a desktop, esp. since I have workarounds for those at the moment. But I did get a wireless keyboard/mouse combo. Then I get home and there is no sound on my computer! There went another couple hours with techs. I was nervous I'd have to take back *this* set, but it wasn't the problem and the sound is working now. THEN I learned I installed the last version of the platform/software I use for work instead of the latest one. I had trouble installing that, but somehow, I don't know how, I got it done and it SEEMS to be working. But by that time I was *exhausted* and decided to call it a night!

But I did have a great afternoon. I met S. at a restaurant. She and I were "BFFs" from 1st grade until about sophomore year, and we've not seen each other since graduation! We've talked a couple times, and thanks to Facebook we're back in touch now. I really enjoyed our conversation, and I thought she looked great! (Hi, S!) She also has an absolutely beautiful daughter. She's been through some rough times too, some similar to mine, and I just thank God for the support she's been able to give me from her own experience. As hard as it is to go through things, one good thing to come out of them is that we can then comfort and encourage others with what has helped us through them (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I look forward to staying in touch with her and meeting again.

Those of you who pray, I would appreciate your prayers. We'll know more by week's end, but early results of a PET scan show that my sister-in-law C had "hot" lymph nodes. They are thinking lymphoma or an inflammatory condition called sarcoidosis, but they'll do biopsies tomorrow to find out more. My family has seen more than its "fair share" of cancer (mother, father, eldest brother), so I am really pleading with God that C not have it. But if she does, I will remember what I wrote years ago when I learned Mom had breast cancer: God is bigger than cancer.

He is bigger than anything. I'll close with an appropriate quote from a book Mom just got and is letting me read, "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado: Focus on giants--you stumble. Focus on God--your giants will tumble.

Have a great night.

Justice

Today I'm answering the study guide questions in The Power of a Praying Woman for the chapter I read on forgiveness yesterday. In writing about my bitterness toward S and how that is partially because he shows in himself and brings out the qualities in me that I don’t like, I said I choose to forgive him—debt paid. At first I thought, no, it just means I don’t try to get payment from him and it just sits there uncollected. But it is paid—by Jesus. Death is the penalty for all sin, and Jesus paid that debt for all of us and for ALL our sins, both against Him and against others (all sin is against Him). The worst penalty you could exact for anyone’s sin is death! Think about it. I am upset and hurt by S, but do I really want him to die? Do I want to sentence B to death because of what he has done? NO! It’s not my place, and thank God! Only God is just, and because He is just, the penalty remains death and it must be paid. But because He is also merciful and gracious, He paid it for us. How then, can we still try to collect on something as petty as a harsh word when He has wiped our slate clean of every single wrong thing we’ve ever done? Pretty humbling, isn't it?

But try putting this into practice! One of the questions asks us to write Matthew 5:44 out as a prayer. When I got to "Lord, help me do good to those who hate me and bless those who persecute me," I thought of *her.* This is where the rubber meets the road. I don't *want* to do good things for her like pray for her. I certainly don't want to pray that good things happen to her, esp. if it means *him.* I want her to hurt as I'm hurting! But really, in the end, that only hurts me more. So God, HELP ME! Like the prayer in the book says, forgiving someone doesn't make them or what they did right; it makes me free. It frees them, but it also frees me. Oh, Lord knows how I want to be free!

The prayer goes on to say that God is the only one who knows the whole story, and He will see justice done. That to me is both comforting and scary. Remember when you were a little kid and how just the *threat* from your sister saying, "Ummm! I'm telling!" or your mom's "Just wait until I tell your father!" would turn your insides to jelly? Imagine telling someone, "Umm! I'm telling God on you! You're gonna get it now!" Remember, the penalty is death! And you can't fool God like you might have fooled your mama! But the comforting part is that He is the Just Judge; He is the only one whose judgment is perfect. And He forgives. God knows more about all I've been going through more than I know. He knows all the details, all the things I'm dying to know but may never find out. I can't be fair, because I don't know the whole story, so how can my "sentence" ever be fair? Therefore, I must leave this in God's hands. It's the only way to be truly free. Perhaps not from pain--that'll last a long time--but from the prison of resentment, free to move forward into all God has for me, even if that doesn't include B or whatever else it is I think I can't be happy without. Letting go means letting God. And that is scary to me but also comforting.

Forgiveness

I have been reading The Power of a Praying Woman. Today I read this: “When we choose to forgive, we end up walking in the dark (1 John 2:9-11) (p. 46). Because we can’t see clearly, we stumble around in confusion. This throws our judgment off and we make mistakes.” When I read this, B came to mind. Then I wondered, does he need to forgive me? On one occasion when we talked about our past and I told him how sorry I was for how awful I’d treated him, he said he has forgiven. I sincerely hope he has, but could that be what is giving him pause? For now I will simply pray about this, but one day maybe I can ask him about it.

She then goes on to say how “forgiveness is a choice we must make every day”
(p. 47). At first this made me wonder, if we must choose to forgive every time we see someone or every time unforgiveness surfaces (how do we know the difference between unforgiveness and the feelings that come up as a result of the choice to forgive which may be part of the healing process?), have we truly forgiven? I wrote in the book, “It is a process. We can decide to forgive every day, but only over time and with many more choices to forgive do our feelings line up.” Eventually there will be a time when we say “I forgive” and it is a reality. We truly have forgiven, it is done, it is buried, it is healed.

On p. 48 she says if we are finding it hard to forgive someone, we should pray and ask God for help. We should pray about that person in every way. “It’s amazing how God softens our hearts when we pray for people. Our anger, resentment, and hurt turn into love.” I’ve experienced this to be true. I will ask God to reveal to me whoever I need to forgive and let go of any hurt, bitterness, or anger toward. It’s still so fresh and though I feel less hurt than a week ago, I realize I do need to forgive B. And perhaps there is still a lot I need to forgive J for. I will ask God to show me how to say “I forgive” while not denying or ignoring the hurt and yet not getting stuck in it either.

I must really need this lesson, because I am getting so much out of it! “When we forgive someone . . . it releases them into God’s hands so He can deal with them. Forgiveness . . . frees us to move into all God has for us” (p. 48). I once read that forgiveness means letting go of the need for revenge and extracting payment ourselves from those who have wronged us. It means we let go of needing them to pay that debt. We erase it, as God did our sins through Jesus. They have still done wrong, but we leave the justice up to God and we release the hold their sin and our unforgiveness has had on our lives.

Up above, I was thinking about the unforgiving servant parable (Matthew 18), and on p.49 she talks about it! “We who have received Jesus have been forgiven
a large debt. We have no right to be forgiving of others” (p. 50). How true! We must forgive just as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32), as it is one of the most loving things we can do. Otherwise, we get stuck in a prison of bitterness and can’t move forward into all God has for us.

I urge you to ask yourself if there is anyone you need to forgive. Is there someone you can't even think about without getting angry and upset or weepy? Is there an area in your life where you feel stuck or a relationship that just is not moving forward for some reason? Maybe that's an area where there is a deep hurt that needs healing, and you must forgive the person who hurt you. This isn't easy, but God will help you! He *wants* us to forgive, so you can count on that help! Please don't lock yourself up in the prison of unforgiveness. Release your debtors, and you'll experience an even greater freedom than they: peace.

Busy Day

I've had a busy day. This morning Mom, my sister, and I went to my uncle B's house. I don't know how long it'd been since I'd seen him (I don't recall seeing him last summer when I was here)! He is on oxygen, and he still smokes. He says, though, that it's the compressed kind and not "raw" oxygen. He reminds me a lot of my father in his appearance and mannerisms.

After we got back, I went to Office Depot and to the grocery store. Do they not make oil-packed tuna anymore? (My mom prefers that kind for her tuna casserole.) I look forward to getting to know my way around an American grocery store again. I will say there are a LOT fewer cheeses! Everything is so much less expensive here. This was my first drive on my own since I got my license!

I've seen so many different kinds of birds today, more than in the 2-1/2 weeks I've been here! Cardinals, blue jays, hawks, grackles, woodpeckers, robins, geese. This afternoon I saw the 2 neighborhood Canadian geese (I LOVE those geese!) fly over the back yard to the pond a couple doors down. One landed on the banks and the other must have overshot the landing. He/she turned around and skidded to a water landing.

This afternoon my sisters-in-law and my nephew came over. C looked better yesterday and today than she did the first time I saw her, but she does tire easily. She seemed more chipper, almost her usual self. I couldn't get her to do the twist, though (while we were all staying at a hotel for my sister's wedding in 2006, playing cards, she suddenly gets up and starts dancing the twist). Before Mom and I took my sister to the airport, all of us, even my nephew, prayed together. It was so moving and encouraging. We prayed for safe travel for my sister and for R & C tomorrow as they return to the Mayo Clinic. They all prayed for J., me, and all the stuff I've been going through. I was most moved by C's prayer. She actually thanked God for her condition, which she's had since early January, because it has made her get so much closer to Him and to my mother. She called it a wake-up call because she was missing out on life. She said she felt blessed to be part of a family who prays together like this. She literally stopped and smelled the roses; this year for the first time she saw the trees bloom in her own yard. Normally at this time she is traveling extensively for the start of the busy season with her job. We all made a promise that we would pray together each time we met, before parting ways. Knowing someone is praying for you or hearing someone say they will pray is one thing, but actually hearing the words right then and there is so uplifting.

My friend B, who has been so dear to me, esp. during my divorce, sent me an article yesterday that talked about an Italian scientist who just turned 100. She said, "Above all, don't fear difficult moments. The best comes from them." Amen! When things are going well, that is when we tend to forget about God and rely on ourselves. Trials have a way of reminding us who we are and who God is; they send us to our knees as we remember how much we need Him. Oh, they are not pleasant, but they are necessary, and in my own life it's been after--and even during--the stormiest seasons that I've experienced the most growth and some of the greatest blessings. B also pointed out that it is so very normal I am so stressed and emotional right now. Out of all life's biggest stressors, the only one I'm not currently experiencing is the death of a loved one! So I am giving myself permission to fall on my knees and cry and pray whenever I need to, and that is a lot lately! I *will* get through this; God will see me through. The process just ain't a barrel of monkeys!

Enjoy Today

Today I was running some errands and listening to a Mercy Me CD. I was singing along to "I Can Only Imagine," when I got choked up and couldn't continue. The image of That Day when I finally see Jesus and am reunited in Heaven with Him and all my brothers and sisters in Christ from every nation, language, and ethnicity is one that gets the tears flowing every time! As I drove on, I noticed a cluster of redbud trees in full bloom. That sight alone is breathtaking, but I was even more awed as I thought, "Heaven is going to be even more beautiful than that!"

I can't stand being in the bathroom and not having something to read. The following is what I read today from, of all places, a book on getting and staying out of debt. I found this so applicable to many situations I'm currently going through.

It's not too late to begin listening carefully to the quiet stirrings of your heart. It's not too late to start fulfilling your dreams.

Becoming who you want to be may entail a giant leap of faith. It may mean believing that you can hang a shingle and make a living by following your dreams. It may mean casting yourself as the hero of your own story.

I find that so encouraging! Sometimes when I discover something, like some great truth, I am so eager to share it with others. So eager, sometimes, that I tend to forget that others are not always at the same place on the path, if they are even on the same path! I want to cast them as the hero, but that is something they must do for themselves, and they can't fulfill my dreams in my place. However, all I can do is share what I discover and support those I care about wherever they are in their journey.

If this has blessed you today, please pass it on and be sure to tell me how it touched you! May you seek and receive God's best today and today only. Yesterday's blessings are gone and tomorrow is not here yet, so enjoy today.

Family

Today all my siblings, my brothers' wives, my youngest nephew, my mom, and an aunt and uncle were here. My aunt and uncle brought over some KFC, and Mom made mashed potatoes and green beans. It was great to see everyone, esp. R & C, who had just gotten back yesterday from the Mayo Clinic. They go back Tuesday for more testing for C. I offered to go with her, but my brother's boss worked everything out so he could go. She was much perkier today, almost her usual self, but she tired quickly and is just so pale and thin. They don't really know what is wrong with her, but the condition she has had since early January surely has taken its toll on her body. After lunch we watched my brother, nephew, and uncle play Wii. Even my sister got into it a little. I wasn't interested but had fun watching.

Everyone had gone by 3:30, but before my brother and his family left, he and I got into it a little. We both have strong wills and stubborn, selfish streaks, and that clashed. I didn't appreciate how I was asked to do something and felt my concerns weren't being heard, and he accused me of making things all about me. To an extent that is true, esp. right now, but it didn't feel good to hear. My mom and sister and I had a good talk about it, but after that I was really, really down in the dumps and came into my room to journal about it. During that, my sister came in and we had a heart-to-heart. She feels so bad for all I'm going through, and just hearing that really lifted me up. To the point where I even got motivated to do the dishes and clean out the fridge! :) Well, I did that mostly to keep my mind busy, but whatever works! Mom is trying to take advantage of it and find more things for me to do, but I told her not to press her luck!

Blown Away

I just got back from church. I heard one of the best sermons I've heard in my life. It was given by someone I don't yet know very well but hope to get to know, R., the regular minister D.'s son-in-law. R. is the current youth minister, I believe. This is one of those times I feel old. R. is in his early 20s, someone I now call "a young person." That's one way I know I'm getting older (I'm 36!), that and having to remember how old I'll be on my next birthday! He is going to seminary, and he is indeed on the right path! He is going to send me his notes via e-mail, but I wanted to go ahead and share what I do recall from this dynamic, engaging, God follower.

The entire service, actually, was put on by our junior and senior high youth. They did an awesome job from the worship music to the announcements. R. preached on 2 Timothy 1:1-7. One thing I liked is that when a young lady read it, she asked us to stand up. That is something that is done at the Anglican church I was part of in France. R. did a wonderful job of giving the background of the text, esp. explaining who Paul and Timothy were and their relationship to each other. Basically R. spoke on influence, stating, "Influence is inevitable. You are going to be influenced, and you will influence others." He explained how we breathe out on others what we breathe in. As Christians, if we are not breathing in God, we are just exhaling and exhaling of our own strength and we will choke. If we are continually breathing in God but not breathing Him out on others, we will suffocate. We simply must be influenced by God (breathe in) and influence others for Him with what He's breathed into us (breathe out). He also emphasized the strong, close bond and mentoring relationship between Paul and Timothy. I know it seems like all I do is talk about B., but this blog is about who I am and what I am going through, and he is a big part of that at the moment. When R. talked about Paul seeing Timothy's potential, it made me sad. Part of the reason I am taking this situation with B. so hard is that I believe so much in him and see his potential, but he doesn't, and now I may never have the chance to influence him and be influenced by him in God's ways. Regardless of what happens between us, my prayer is that he one day does see and live out that potential, influencing others for Christ.

I was so moved by R.'s sermon and the youth-led service that I had to get up at the end of the service, unexpected by R., and speak to the church. I introduced myself to those who might not know me and said that was one of the best sermons I'd ever heard. Everyone agreed through applause. I explained that I was back in Indiana for good under some very difficult circumstances, but after what I'd seen and heard today, I was so encouraged and uplifted and very excited to get involved in the church again and influence others. I named off those who had influenced me over the 30 years I and my family have been a part of this church, and many of them are still there and even came up to me at the end. It was wonderful. I had other plans for where I was going to be living, but now I am starting to see that God has His own plans and they are good. He wants me here, so there is at least that one good thing to come out of all the bad I've been through this past week.

Early in the service I had to leave the sanctuary. I had to go to the bathroom and cry. We sang one song that my church in Versailles often sings ("Blessed Be the Name of the Lord"), and later a pianist played "Give Thanks," one of J.'s favorite songs from a CD I'd often listen to. Some of the songs we sang spoke of giving our hearts to Jesus for mending and being sorry for giving our soul to others instead of Him. That is what I've been doing, and like I sang this morning, I want to just fall on my knees and lay myself down at the cross. While I was in the bathroom sobbing and aching, it struck me that often, in order for us to be whole, we have to first be broken. I am being broken right now, but I am being made whole again into someone purer, stronger, wiser, more loving, and more peaceful. I may have sat on the wall and had a great fall, but the King is going to put me back together again, and I'll be better for it.

I want to ask you what R. asked us this morning. Do you have someone like Paul was to Timothy in your life? Are you that person to someone else? Who is your Paul and your Timothy? After today's service, I am so grateful to my Pauls and even more inspired to find and influence my Timothys. If you know who yours are, be sure to thank God for them and be assured that someone is thanking God for you. You never know how one act of kindness, one kind word or deep conversation, one invitation to church, one day, or one minute will change someone else's life--and yours--forever. For the kind of Forever I believe in, that's huge. You may not have 30, 60, or 90 years to live, but you have this moment and you can influence others and often do without even knowing or trying. It's all in what you're breathing in.

Who *IS* Cindy Lou?

After receiving some comments, I thought I should explain why I am writing this blog and, more specifically, why I am writing what I am writing and sharing it with those with whom I'm sharing it. The comment I just received confirms my reasons for writing this, which I'll now share.

When I started this nearly 2 years ago, I called it "Who Is Cindy Lou?" My given name is Cynthia Ann. I've always gone by Cindy, and a friend's dad called me Cindy Lou. So she is kind of my "personna." Basically, I am writing this to share with you who I am and really, in a way, to find that out for myself as well. As you'll see through what I share, I am going through some very rough times right now. So another reason I am writing this and sharing so personally is so that I can somehow find some healing through it. I will try to be as discreet as I can in the details, but I want those close to me to know what I am going through and what I am feeling. Some of you may be able to help me through your own experiences, but this is for my friends and family both near and especially far to keep up with me.

Most of you don't know each other or even me personally; many of you are dear friends I've found through various online sites. Others of you I do know personally, and those of you who do know each other already know what is going on. Therefore, I feel okay with sharing certain details, plus I am only using initials. As you will see, if you didn't already know, is that I am a very open person. I share quite deeply, perhaps too much, but that is how I think you can get to know me. I don't expect reciprocation, but I want to foster an environment where you can share just as openly with me. Again, if you recognize yourself and prefer that I do not talk about you at all, please let me know. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable, even at the expense of my emotional healing and self-discovery.

I need to go to church now, but listening to ABBA this morning as I got ready has been very therapeutic, esp. "Take a Chance on Me." ("If you change your mind, I'll be first in line . . . if you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me"). I am vascillating now, tho, between "I hope he comes to his senses" and "I need to come to mine!" I had a bad night, not sleeping much, but not for lack of trying! SO today may be difficult, but I have a big family gathering today, so that should help. All of us will be together for the first time since August and who knows when again.

God bless you all today and always!

Homeward Bound is Home (Well, on Earth, that is)

It's been just over 2 weeks since I returned to the United States after nearly 7 years in France. The first week and a half went pretty quickly, but so much has happened in the last few days alone! I finally got over my cold, but a few days ago B. chose to pursue a previous relationship, and I'm not over that yet. But the timing is good. At least I found out now before moving to where he is and then having this happen. Also, my sister arrived the next day and I've since received my driver's license, so I've had plenty to keep my mind occupied, at least during the day, although I have my moments then too. But through this I am learning about areas I need to work on and how I need to trust God, not only that this will make sense one day but that it'll work out for the best. It's also given me an increased sensitivity to how J. must feel. It had been hard to remember that while I have had time to grieve, heal, and move on from our marriage (divorce is pending), he has not. I am confident I made the right decision and that my place is here, but I am sorry for the pain he's experiencing and pray that he will fully heal. I am sure I still have some healing to do, but to my surprise it has been easier than I thought, at least thus far. Until last Wednesday, but I don't want to belabor that point. I wish B. the best too, though I must admit part of me still wants us to be together and has hope that we will. But a lot must change for that to happen. For now, I must move ahead with my life, and God knows I've got plenty to keep me busy!

It feels so good to be back behind the wheel. It is indeed like riding a bike; you don't forget. It doesn't feel like I've not driven for 4 years. I will say, though, that I've found it easier than I thought it'd be, even going to "Hassleton" Mall. I guess I got used to all the traffic and aggressive driving in the Paris area, and now this is a piece of cake compared to that! Granted, though, I never drove over there. I couldn't have gotten a better car; that deal just kind of fell into my lap. My brother S. and his wife were looking to sell their Pontiac Bonneville, and they were asking a very reasonable price given the car's age and condition. Don't get me wrong; it's in great condition, and it is so comfortable to sit in and drives very smoothly. I am dismayed about how quickly that gas guage dial goes down! :) But at least gas is "only" $2 a gallon now versus the $3 and $4 it was a year ago. But hey, I still don't wanna hear it: gas in France is like $6 a gallon! Most of that is taxes, though.

I'm so excited. My sister and her husband might be moving "up north" from Florida to here in Indiana! Certain situations have lent themselves to now being a good time to consider it, but it's an issue that's been discussed before. As T. said the other day, both Mom's chicks will have flown back. All 4 kids will be back within 20 miles of her. :) I am sad I missed my brother R.'s kids and S.'s son growing up, but I'm here now and it is never too late for family! My sister and brother-in-law and I might even live in the same apartment complex, but regardless, it'll be nice to have them here!

I'm looking for a job. I had a phone interview Thursday, which went well. I am going to be talking to my last client (I worked as a contractor) on Monday as well as investigating other companies, but I'd like to start working by the beginning of May if possible. My money is quickly running out! :) It's so good to take steps to being a productive, active member of society again. I found this difficult in France, but not just because of my marital problems, and that caused a great deal of stress. I am finally feeling like I can breathe again. I don't mean to imply that life over there was awful. I don't regret a thing & I am very grateful to J. for his role in my being able to visit the country of my dreams, let alone live there. It's just not for me, and I am glad to be home!

Comments welcome!