Justice

Today I'm answering the study guide questions in The Power of a Praying Woman for the chapter I read on forgiveness yesterday. In writing about my bitterness toward S and how that is partially because he shows in himself and brings out the qualities in me that I don’t like, I said I choose to forgive him—debt paid. At first I thought, no, it just means I don’t try to get payment from him and it just sits there uncollected. But it is paid—by Jesus. Death is the penalty for all sin, and Jesus paid that debt for all of us and for ALL our sins, both against Him and against others (all sin is against Him). The worst penalty you could exact for anyone’s sin is death! Think about it. I am upset and hurt by S, but do I really want him to die? Do I want to sentence B to death because of what he has done? NO! It’s not my place, and thank God! Only God is just, and because He is just, the penalty remains death and it must be paid. But because He is also merciful and gracious, He paid it for us. How then, can we still try to collect on something as petty as a harsh word when He has wiped our slate clean of every single wrong thing we’ve ever done? Pretty humbling, isn't it?

But try putting this into practice! One of the questions asks us to write Matthew 5:44 out as a prayer. When I got to "Lord, help me do good to those who hate me and bless those who persecute me," I thought of *her.* This is where the rubber meets the road. I don't *want* to do good things for her like pray for her. I certainly don't want to pray that good things happen to her, esp. if it means *him.* I want her to hurt as I'm hurting! But really, in the end, that only hurts me more. So God, HELP ME! Like the prayer in the book says, forgiving someone doesn't make them or what they did right; it makes me free. It frees them, but it also frees me. Oh, Lord knows how I want to be free!

The prayer goes on to say that God is the only one who knows the whole story, and He will see justice done. That to me is both comforting and scary. Remember when you were a little kid and how just the *threat* from your sister saying, "Ummm! I'm telling!" or your mom's "Just wait until I tell your father!" would turn your insides to jelly? Imagine telling someone, "Umm! I'm telling God on you! You're gonna get it now!" Remember, the penalty is death! And you can't fool God like you might have fooled your mama! But the comforting part is that He is the Just Judge; He is the only one whose judgment is perfect. And He forgives. God knows more about all I've been going through more than I know. He knows all the details, all the things I'm dying to know but may never find out. I can't be fair, because I don't know the whole story, so how can my "sentence" ever be fair? Therefore, I must leave this in God's hands. It's the only way to be truly free. Perhaps not from pain--that'll last a long time--but from the prison of resentment, free to move forward into all God has for me, even if that doesn't include B or whatever else it is I think I can't be happy without. Letting go means letting God. And that is scary to me but also comforting.